(Every week I try to reflect on some of the things that made me happy as a Mom that week. It's a great way for me to start the new week with love and gratitude.)
Take one look at that picture and there's no doubt... I am one lucky Momma!!
You know how when you're young you have a tendency to plan out your whole life...For some reason before the reality hits of being an adult and having real responsibilities we somehow seem to think we have it all figured out and know exactly what is best for us before life even happens. Please tell me I'm not the only girl who ever day dreamed about the perfect husband, perfect house, perfect children, etc. etc...
I always wanted to have four children. For some reason, it is something I have had my heart set on since I was a little girl. After having Lila, my life seemed to turn upside down. Amongst the changes and challenges of having a newborn baby, we also moved 150 miles into our current home when Lila was less than one week old, Andy started Kindergarten (all in the same week) and me and my boys suffered from a terrible case of croup (all while having a teeny tiny baby). It was a month of chaos and craziness that I don't think I will ever forget...But the thing is, I don't feel like the craziness has ever stopped.
My woes of Motherhood probably seem overshadowed by all the cutesy crafts the past couple years, but the truth is I have struggled being a Mother of three. The lack of sleep I remember from my two oldest boys seemed 100% worse with Lila. The breastfeeding seemed especially difficult, even though she was my third child, and that special bond I had with my boys while nursing was just not there with Lila. The desire to even put anything on other than my favorite black sweats was just not there. Although I recognize my ailments now as probably a case of post partum depression, at the time I just felt inadequate.
I feel like I have watched every Mother around me since then with three children (or more) handle themselves so well, act so patiently, look so put together with their hair and makeup and skinny jeans...And I have wondered "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I just look like I've had 8 hours of sleep even though I've only had 4?" "Why can't I just make myself stick to that diet and lose some of these pounds so I can actually fit into some of my clothes?" "Why is being a Mom so hard for me when it seems so easy to everyone else?"
I can't tell you how many breakdowns I've had over the last two years... Seriously, I'm sure my husband will have no problem telling you all about the hysteria I can cause around these parts(sometimes for absolutely no reason at all!). Here I am pulling out my hair...Can you relate??
While most people are already planning out their 4th pregnancy by now (since Lila is already 2), here I am...Still as crazy as ever and still struggling from day to day with the three children I already have. The truth is, now that I am at this stage in my life with three kids, I am realizing I may be the type of person that can only handle three children. I am coming to terms with the fact that despite the fact that I had a childhood dream of having four, I have been extremely blessed with the ability to have the three beautiful children I already have. And while I watch people around me who are able to have 4 or more, I am learning daily not to judge myself and not to feel inadequate for the challenges I have in my life. After all, even though it's easy to look at people and assume their life is all peachy, it really isn't. Everyone has their own set of struggles and issues.
I'm not going to lie, when I think about the fact that Lila may be my last child it makes me kind of sad. That dream of wanting four somehow still has a little hold on my heart, but mostly because I want so desperately for Lila to know what it's like to have a Sister. Since my Sister is my rock I somehow have this phobia that Lila will miss out on something. (And we all know if I want another girl so badly, I would probably have a boy anyways!)
Here she is, my beautiful Sister Sarah. (Best Aunt Ever!)
The thing is, as much as I want Lila to have a Sister, I look at these handsome boys of mine and I know with all my heart that they are going to take care of her. I have watched this week as they played with her, tickled her, annoyed the crap out of her, held her hand, and even put on Curious George on Netflix instead of what they wanted to watch just because it was what she wanted...Those were the moments I loved this week.
I loved watching Luke play Camping with Lila in her Dora Tent...
And how he even taught her how to go hunting for bears (the hangers are their guns)...
And I love how my boys will do the silliest of things just to try to get Lila to smile for the picture (not to mention how hard Andy has to work just to hold her down to take a picture!)...
Not only is Lila a lucky little girl to have such great big brother's but I am one lucky Mom. I am so grateful for how much they love her and protect her.
They are quite the silly little bunch...
And I am so grateful they are my bunch!!