I have a toddler...A very busy toddler...I have a dramatic, "I'm going to pee in my pants if I don't get my way and you put me in time out" kind of toddler...Yep, good times!
I also have 2 boys who are in that "I'm going to complain about every time you ask me to lift my finger and do a chore" phase of their life. I totally remember being there as a kid. (Sorry Mom!)
The last couple of months I feel like I have lost my sparkle as a Mom. Ok, maybe I never really had a "sparkle" but there was definitely a spark there. A spark for loving all thing Motherhood. A spark for getting out the camera 24/7 and capturing all those Kodak moments. A spark for cuddling with my kids in my bed at bedtime and reading silly stories. A spark for singing silly songs and dancing like a fool.
One night I laid in my bed and found myself completely and utterly exhausted, down in the dumps, and just plain old worn out from Motherhood. I was sick of asking over and over again for the kids to help with chores and complain every step of the way. I was sick of sending children to their bedroom for fighting non-stop with each other. I was sick of my unruly toddler finding it necessary to cry over every little thing all day long. I was sick of how many times I had to sweep the floor every day and how no matter how much I tried, the house was always a mess. I was pretty much just sick and tired! Did you notice the long spurts in my posts the last couple months? I guess you could say depression got the best of me. Suddenly playing Candy Crush Saga felt so much more fun than trying to produce fun activities for my kids. Suddenly bedtime silliness felt old school and every night I just found myself so anxious to reach for my nightstand light so I could close my eyes and forget about the day.
To be completely honest, I didn't even realize I was in this state until a couple weeks ago. My husband was on graveyard shift, my boys were both in school in the afternoon and I was left with my Lila who was knee deep in potty training and we were pretty much house bound for a couple days. Instead of being able to leave the house to keep it quiet, I found myself on the front porch with Lila in her underwear. She very well wasn't going to stay entertained by just sitting in a chair so I got out the easel and paints and let her get to work.
And then suddenly as I watched her paint her pretty little picture outside in her underpants, making a total mess all over the place, I felt a little burning in my heart (a spark) that brought me to tears. There was that spark...That spark that is the joy and absolute heaven of Motherhood! In that moment I realized that turning off the light every night and closing my eyes wasn't going to make my tough days as a Mother any less tough. Trying to beat level 141 on Candy Crush Saga wasn't going to make me smile and make my heart explode with joy like motherhood did. Although the overwhelming feeling of motherhood is what brought me down in the dumps, my lack of "mothering" is what was making me stay there.
When the going gets tough Play!!
...and then play some more!!
And then at the end of the day when you are exhausted after singing Old McDonald about every animal known to man that isn't even a farm animal and you've got your standing ab routine in by bending over so many times singing I'm a Little Tea Pot, when you reach to turn off that light, you are going to have a smile on your face...and a spark in your heart!
It feels good to be back.